


You've got nothing to lose, I've got nothing to prove

by thethickofit



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thethickofit/pseuds/thethickofit
Summary: “I was thinking about what we’re going to do for the next shoot," Ryan says.“Okay.”“And I just wanted to ask, like in private without any cameras rolling or in front of TJ or something- do you ever, I dunno, feel bad about not being soul-marked?”“I never-,” Shane backtracks. “I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly told you that Idon’thave a soul mark.”
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Comments: 107
Kudos: 407





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HEY! So, this is a fic that I originally published on my old AO3 account in 2018 [(username was noblet, fic name was Freak Scene).](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15909390/chapters/37084413)
> 
> I only posted one chapter there, but I've since gotten locked out of that account, and I really wanted to finish this fic. This version here is edited quite a bit (it's a little better now, I hope), but the ideas are the same as before.
> 
> The premise of soul mates is explained in the fic so there's no need to really know it beforehand.

Shane drives through the sunset in silence.

To his right, Ryan sleeps all the way from Bakersfield to Burbank, face pressed hard against the passenger window, his even breaths slightly fogging up the glass. 

He’s like the dead, kind of, eerily motionless save the subtle rise and fall of his chest as Shane drives with his hands clutched white-knuckled on the wheel.

He duly notes that this stretch of Highway 101 is perhaps best characterized by its _lack_ of characterization. Once he got over the new feel of driving Ryan’s car (a shitty, shitty 2002 Corolla with little leg room), he went on to spend the better part of four hours driving by farms and vineyards that all looked exactly the same. He wishes he’d put on some music or a podcast or _something_ before Ryan had unceremoniously fallen asleep, but it’s too late now. 

They’d spent the previous night sleeping in the basement of a foreclosed murder-house-turned-mini-museum surely teeming with asbestos. It was a lot like a sleepover, really, and it would’ve felt like one if Ryan hadn’t woken him up every twenty minutes whenever a floorboard creaked or the wind outside picked up. 

He only had himself to blame, after all. Getting startled awake by Ryan whispering his name became a bit incessant, and sure, Shane felt bad about how he’d dared the ghosts to come rip the bones out of his body to put them on edge (much to the chagrin of Ryan and the crew) but watching him turn white at the sound of an accidental fart was, without a doubt, hilarious. 

And, okay, maybe Shane didn’t feel that bad. He _still_ doesn’t feel that bad, even though they’d both gotten no sleep as a result of it and now Shane’s stuck driving in silence on a mostly empty freeway.

It’s endearing, sort of, the way Ryan is shamelessly fearful of the most nonsensical things, and Shane wonders about that quirk quite a bit. He knows Ryan to be somewhat sensible, and yet he gets so riled up and uncharacteristically touchy whenever they throw themselves into these types of situations, while Shane’s anxiety has never resulted in anything more than a slight stomach ache. (And even when he did get a slight stomach ache, it was because of some questionable hot dogs, not because of some ghosts).

It’s the way Ryan clings to him that's so damn charming, always grabbing his arm or gripping his jacket when the cameras aren’t rolling, or absentmindedly toeing Shane’s boot when they’re sitting in the dark, waiting, listening, for something to happen.

Whenever it happens, whenever Ryan presses his hand into his back or feels for his shirt sleeve, Shane can somehow _feel_ Ryan’s fear emanating like heat from a fire, burning hot and dangerous, but he doesn’t pull away.

 _It’s not real_ , Shane always wants to say, but he doesn’t, of course. Not when Ryan’s actually afraid. It wouldn’t help. He just silently offers his hand, and Ryan takes it.

Ryan wakes up somewhere between Burbank and Beverly Hills, right when they’re nearing the edges of the city. Shane doesn’t even realize he isn’t sleeping anymore until he hears the click of a phone unlocking before Ryan lets out a heavy sigh. 

“Your headlights are shit, man,” Shane tells him. They really are. It’s been driving him crazy for two hours since the sun finally set. He needs to vent. 

“My bad,” Ryan says, amused. “I forgot about that. I guess I got used to it.”

“You got used to _not being able to see in the dark_?” Shane chides.

Ryan shrugs. “Changing them out just hasn’t been number one on my to-do list for a while.”

“Ryan, I think when it comes to being able to see while driving at night, having good headlights should be a given.” He shudders. He feels like a dad lecturing his kid on good automobile practices.

“Mmm,” Ryan hums. He stretches a little bit before elaborately cozying up in his seat and closing his eyes again.

“Really? You just slept for like, two hours.”

“Still tired as shit,” Ryan mumbles. “I swear there was something walking around last night and- god, your snoring.”

“Like a bear, I know, thanks,” Shane says, putting one hand up as if to plead guilty.

“Thanks for driving, though,” Ryan says. “If I was in your seat I’d probably fall asleep at the wheel and crash into something at eighty miles an hour, and then we’d both be goners.”

“God forbid.” Shane feigns concern. “If you ever turned into a ghost, I’d never hear the end of it.”

“I’d haunt the fuck out of you,” Ryan murmurs. “Believe me.”

Shane laughs this time, even though they’ve probably had this exchange a million times. “Please don’t. I don't know how I could possibly get on without you.”

“That’s oddly touching,” Ryan says.

“Shut up,” Shane says, and Ryan laughs.

♙

When Ryan informs him that they’re going to end the supernatural season with an episode all about soulmates, Shane almost chokes on his coffee. 

“What’s the problem?” Ryan asks. He spins his chair toward him a little, crosses a leg over his knee. 

“Nothing, it’s just- soulmates?” Shane sets his mug down. “It’s overdone. It’s not _interesting._ ”

Ryan raises an eyebrow suspiciously. “You’ve never questioned one of my pitches before.”

“But it’s just- why soulmates?” Shane tries not to sound like he’s whining, but he’s whining. “I feel like it wouldn’t really _fit_ in with everything we’ve done before. It’s more of- like- a weird science.”

“And yet it’s still a phenomenon that’s unsolved,” Ryan points out. “And it’s almost February. Valentine’s day.” He raises his eyebrows as if to suggest something. “I think it would be a good one-off to add to the season.”

Shane silently ponders it under the guise of taking another sip of his drink.

“Soulmates are stupid, Ryan,” he insists.

“You think anything that isn’t Bigfoot is stupid.”

“I still stand by that statement.”

Ryan rolls his eyes. “We’re doing it,” he decides. “Whether you like it or not. It’ll be easy. I’ll do my research, talk to a few people. You know how it goes. It’ll probably be a lot less time-consuming compared to most of the stuff we’ve been putting out. Besides, everybody loves hearing about soulmates.” 

At much as Shane would hate to admit it, he’s right. Both of them are well aware of the endless romantic soulmate-centric movies that Hollywood loves to churn out on a yearly basis. As a film student, he’d been forced to analyze one or two. Hell, he even knows that a good chunk of Buzzfeed’s flagship channel is dedicated to videos based around the topic. 

“Yeah,” Shane sighs. Although they’re a duo onscreen, Ryan ultimately gets the last say when it comes to production, which Shane is totally fine with 99 percent of the time. “Okay.”

♙

After Unsolved first premiered, it didn’t take long for people to start noticing the little nuances of their relationship. For whatever reason, they had good chemistry and people _actually_ liked their stupid banter and bullshit puns and mindless commentary.

The show had become, quite literally, an overnight sensation. 

Ryan was surprised. Shane wasn’t.

It didn’t take too long for the rumors to start floating around. Every once in a while, one of their coworkers would talk a little too loud, and Shane would overhear someone whispering that he and Ryan were dating, or that they lived together, or that the whole show was just one big ploy to get the company to pay for hotel rooms. (Which is a bit genius, when you think about it).

Overall, the rumors never bother them much. Shane’s a confident guy, and Ryan is (thankfully) a bit too oblivious for his own good. With increasing popularity comes a sharp rise in speculation and honestly, it’s not that bad a cross to bear.

♙

The thing about soulmates, Ryan quickly learns as he begins his research, is that there’s a lot of bullshit surrounding the truth of it all.

Over the years, human history, personal experience, and extensive studies have reduced its premise to this:

You have your soulmates words written on your skin, except they aren’t their first words spoken to you. They’re the first words they say after you have fallen in love with them.

This means you can know your soulmate for days, months, or even years without even realizing it until they say those words—the moment you realize that you love them. 

That also means that they may have already fallen in love with you and realized you’re their soulmate, while you go on oblivious to that knowledge. They can pine for years until you finally reciprocate, or they can even pine forever if you don’t. You can be their soulmate, but someone else could also be yours. This also means that you could fall in love with someone, not get a soul mark, and realize that they aren’t your soulmate after all.

It’s all very complicated, to put it simply.

♙

It’s the lack of certainty that bothers him. You can never be sure if the person saying those words is your soulmate or not unless you ask them outright, and Ryan’s sure he’d rather disappear into a hole in the ground than initiate that kind of conversation with anyone.

Ryan pushes back from his messy desk and equally messy computer screen and leans deep, deep into his chair. Researching is usually one of his favorite things to do for the show, but now?

There are just so many loose ends. He can’t even find one good, plausible theory as to why soulmates exist in the first place. So far, people have only figured out the _whats_ of it, not necessarily the _how._

His hand reaches up to rub at the short stubble on his chin as he turns to Shane, who seems just as tired today as he feels.

“Hey,” Ryan says, and Shane looks at him with sleepy eyes (they always look sleepy, but still), “Mind if I pick your brain for a moment?”

He obliges. Shane takes his headphones off and nods, looking a little too eager to get pulled away from his work. “Pick away, baby.”

“First of all, don’t call me baby,” Ryan says, and Shane rolls his eyes. “Second of all, what do you think about soulmates?”

Shane’s face drops. “I’ve already told you what I think.”

“Yeah, but- I mean-” Ryan pinches the bridge of his nose, feeling some tension building in his temples. He has a low grade headache, his espresso-induced caffeine rush is wearing off. “Why?”

“Well,” Shane starts. “We all know that the majority of people don’t find their soulmates, yeah? So most people just settle for whoever. Or is it whomever? Whatever.”

“Sure,” Ryan says. It’s a lot more intricate than that, but he isn’t sure how to respond anyway. “Sure,” he repeats. “Yeah.”

“Honestly, I think it’s like some sort of weird biological fluke.”

Ryan knows enough to know for sure that explanation is far from the truth, but it’s not like he has any truth of his own to offer.

“Humans are weird,” Shane goes on, lips pursed in a line of deep thought. “I think it’s easy to convince yourself that you love someone just so you could fulfill the prophecy of the mark or whatever. People are weak-willed. No one wants to die alone, so people panic and start pairing up, soulmate or not.”

“Geez,” Ryan says. “That’s kind of depressing.”

Shane shrugs. “Well, that’s just how I see it. Honestly. I’ve never gotten caught up in the fantasy of it all, so to speak.”

“But-” Ryan interjects, “it’s pretty obvious that you’ve thought about it.”

“Of course I’ve thought about it,” Shane says coolly, not looking at Ryan but instead at his own computer screen. His lips twitch, indicating that he’s about to say something more, but evidently decides against it.

And now, even though Ryan’s never really thought about Shane like that before (well, he has, but it’s not like he’s ever lingered on it), he really wants to ask. He’s practically dying to ask, but the best of Ryan decides that this is not the time, nor the place, so he just turns to his screen and goes back to work researching instead.

♙

When Ryan was younger, he was absolutely captivated by the idea of meeting his soulmate one day. In high school, he’d inspect every inch of his body during his showers whenever he knew he was crushing on someone, hoping to find a word, a phrase, some kind of sentence printed onto his skin. He’d check religiously, even in college when his roommates made fun of him for being so allured by such a fantasy. 

Ryan still checks, even though he’s in his late twenties and he should have better things to think about. He doesn’t look every day, but maybe once every few weeks, if he can find the time.

The more Ryan researches, the more he thinks about Shane’s soul mark and what it could possibly be. It’s only natural, after all. 

Shane had never brought it up, and Ryan isn’t the type to ask unless asked first, so they’ve just never talked about it.

Ryan knows it’s going to be an uncomfortable conversation. But they’ll _have_ to, for the sake of the episode. Besides, it might be fun to see Shane a bit panicked for once.

♙

They film the second to last episode of the season sometime in December. It’s fucking freezing in Colorado, and Ryan keeps on getting shit from Shane and the crew for choosing what might just be the absolute worst time and location to film. 

It’s only four p.m. when they arrive at the Cave of the Winds National Park, but the sun is already starting to set, and Ryan is not-so-discreetly trying to fight off the urge to take a nap.

Shane nudges him, but Ryan just nudges him back. They sit together in the back seat because Devon and TJ like to talk together in the front, and Shane and Ryan both agree to save the best of their banter for the cameras. 

They sit thigh to thigh, partially because the car is absurdly small for four people and a bunch of filming equipment, partially because Shane is absurdly built. 

Ryan likes it, as much as he wouldn’t want to admit it. Shane’s… sturdy, for a lack of better words. He’s real and he’s just always _there_. And sitting right next to him only further solidifies that impression.

Ryan feels safe with him. He knows it’s stupid to think that, but he does. Having Shane there with him always makes him feel better, even when they’re not exploring abandoned asylums or haunted hospitals or whatever. Just having him nearby when he’s having a tough day is comfort enough.

Shane seems to like him well enough, too. Even though he thinks that most of Ryan’s beliefs and presuppositions are bullshit, he still plays along. He’s a good sport. That’s what he is. 

Ryan watches Shane fiddle with his headphones and phone a bit, switching between podcasts that all have similar yet different looking album covers. He’s kind of… cute, Ryan thinks, even though he almost hates himself the instant he realizes what he’s thinking. 

Ryan’s not usually the type to get embarrassed, but even thinking about it makes himself cringe. So he bites his tongue forces himself to look out the window until they get closer to the cave.

National parks don’t see a lot of traffic in the winter for obvious reasons, and the four of them have no problems getting to the mouth of the cave in question and setting up without being bothered. It’s haunted, supposedly. Without a guide, it’s easy to get lost once you wander in too far and flashlights barely make a dent in the inky darkness once you’re fully inside. For decades, people have gotten lost, or stuck, or just never found their way out. Fun.

The shoot is uneventful, to put it nicely, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Ryan doesn’t get too freaked out. He has several backups of batteries for their flashlights and headlamps (and several backups for the backups). The biggest inconvenience at all is that it’s a lot colder than they all expected, and Shane complains that he can’t feel his fingers until they return to their rental car.

The episode will probably be a little boring, but hey, that’s alright with them. The best thing they got was a shot of Shane getting startled by a bat flying a little too close to his ear, which was fun. 

They get back and check into their hotel rooms around 10pm, which isn’t too late at all. They usually go out for a drink after a shoot, but they’re all tired and cold and grumpy, so they collectively decide to get some sleep for the night.

They reconvene in the lobby for a few minutes to decide where they’re going to go in the morning before heading off to their rooms. They say goodnight and TJ and Devon wander off to their room before Shane and Ryan look at eachother and realize that they should probably do the same. 

Ryan has to exercise maximum willpower to not just collapse into one of the beds and immediately pass out. Shane pushes him into the bathroom and doesn’t let him out until he hears Ryan begrudgingly hop in the shower and brush his teeth before turning in.

Shane does the same afterward. They go through their nighttime routine without really talking. It’s still a little new, the comfortable silence that sometimes surrounds them like there’s a mutual understanding that they don’t always have to be speaking to know what the other is thinking. 

Shane chooses the bed closer to the door, which Ryan doesn’t bother to contest. They say goodnight and Shane shuts off the lights with a click.

♙

Ryan spends a long time staring at the ceiling until he realizes that he can’t sleep. The mini-fridge hums on and off on short intervals and the light from the street still trickles in through the curtains. There's a fire detector directly above him and he just watches the tiny glow of the green light blink, blink, blink.

After a while, Ryan realizes that Shane isn’t snoring. 

“Shane?” He whispers into the dark. 

Shane’s blankets rustle.

“What’s up?”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Yes, I know.”

“And _you’re_ not asleep.”

“I’m well aware of that, too.”

It’s quiet for a little bit, at least until the fridge kicks up again. 

“I’ve been thinking.”

“That’s not a good thing,” Shane says in faux bemusement. 

“Can I ask you something?” Ryan turns over so he’s facing Shane’s bed, to get some semblance of a normal conversation.

Shane’s probably trying to look at him in the dark, but Ryan doesn’t move to turn the light on, and Shane doesn’t either, so they let it stay that way. 

“Sure.”

“I was thinking about what we’re going to do for the next shoot.”

“Okay.”

“And I just wanted to ask, like in private without any cameras rolling or in front of TJ or something- do you ever, I dunno, feel bad about not being soul-marked?”

“Huh?”

“I know it’s not really your thing to talk about. I was just wondering. I can tell you about how I feel first if you want to-”

“I never-,” Shane backtracks. “I don’t think I’ve ever explicitly told you that I _don’t_ have a soul mark.”

Ryan’s glad the lights aren’t on because suddenly his mouth is gaping. He lets out a hushed laugh. “So you’re saying-”

“Yes I’m saying I have-”

Ryan talks over him. “-You have a mark. You’re in love. You?”

“I guess so.” Shane is so frustratingly nonchalant.

“And you’ve never told me about it?” Ryan has spent so long waiting for a soul mark, and Shane doesn’t even seem to care about his own? “What the hell man?” 

Shane is quiet for a pause.

“I- just got it, actually. A few weeks ago.” 

Ryan genuinely can’t tell if he’s being lied to or not. Shane has a weird sense of humor.

“How about you?” he asks, switching the topic from himself to Ryan quickly. “Your-”

“Uh, um,” Ryan stammers. “I don’t have one. It's been a while since I've, you know. Checked myself?”

“Ah,” Shane says, and Ryan doesn’t know why that makes him feel a little guilty. “And… that’s why you’re so insistent on doing an episode on it? Because it’s kind of like a dream for you?”

Ryan just nods, until he realizes Shane can’t really see him. 

“Yeah, I guess so. It’s fun, don’t you think? I mean, _you_ must be excited.”

“I mean, even though I have one, it’s not like I’ll ever know for sure who they are.”

“Yeah, but I mean, it would be pretty easy to narrow things down, theoretically, right? What do the words say?”

Shane goes quiet again. Telling other people what your soul mark says is a bit of a taboo, Ryan knows, but he couldn’t help himself. “Or, I mean, it’s fine if you’d rather not-”

“-you’d laugh,” Shane finally says.

“You’d be surprised.”

Shane lets out a sigh. “No Ryan, I’m serious. I'll tell you. I want to tell you. You’ll think it’s funny, actually. Just- not tonight, alright?”

“Alright,” Ryan says, but now his head is buzzing. He’s never met anyone with a soul mark in his life, and now his best friend is just sitting on that knowledge like it’s nothing.

“You wanna watch TV?” Shane finally offers.

“You know what? Sure. Thanks to that bomb you just dropped on me, I don’t think I’ll be getting any sleep tonight anyway.” 

Shane laughs.

♙

The mark appears one morning, conveniently located on his inner left wrist.

Shane wakes up to a strange burning sensation. He sits up in bed, eyes still bleary from sleep, and scrambles to take off the watch he normally wears. Sure enough, there it is. 

He stares at it. 

And stares, and stares, and stares.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was originally going to be a lot longer but I didn't want to take forever to update, so here’s the first bit

They return to LA from Colorado on a Friday night, and Ryan thankfully (thankfully!) doesn’t bring up the topic of Shane’s mark again during the trip back home.

It’s amusing, almost, to watch Ryan struggle through maintaining such self-restraint.

It feels strange to keep a secret from Ryan, Shane thinks. In the few years that they’ve known each other, their lives have always been, for the most part, an open book.

They’re relatively honest people, and although they tend to make fun of each other more often than not, they never actually _mean_ it. Healthy relationships are based on a solid understanding of mutual respect and communication, after all.

But _this time,_ well...

Things are different this time.

He can feel Ryan’s eyes on his neck while sitting in their Uber from the airport, scanning him, like he’s going to get lucky and find a few scrawled words at the edge of his hairline.

Shane pretends to look out the window.

♙

When Shane gets home, he decides to do a little research of his own.

He’s not surprised that Ryan’s already shared his notes with him via Google Doc. When Shane skims over it, he finds that it’s all rudimentary. 

Ryan’s already written out the basics that everyone knows: most people don’t get a soul mark at all. That’s just a fact of life. It’s a big world, obviously, and the odds of meeting and then subsequently falling in love with just the right person is just statistically unlikely.

He reads over information that he’s always suspected: Of the people that are lucky enough to meet their soulmate, around five percent of people have an _incompatible_ soulmate, basically meaning that you can have a soulmate, but your soulmate has a different soulmate (not you) that is compatible with them, which ultimately means that you never had a “true” soulmate at all.

The explanation is a bit convoluted, but it’s something that does make sense when you think about it. Nothing in this world is cut and dried, and science or biology or whatever is responsible for this phenomenon makes mistakes all the time.

The issue here is that Shane’s entire family has fallen into that five percent at one point or another. It’s been a running joke his whole life, the idea that the Madej’s are cursed. For the most part, he’s been good at not thinking about it too much.

As far as his family knows, _all_ of his older relatives had, in fact, been fortunate enough to meet their soulmates at some point in their lives, but soon found out that they were incompatible with one another.

When Shane was still in high school, his brother Scott had inadvertently fulfilled his part of the unofficial prophecy, falling in love with a girl in college and subsequently getting his mark, only to find that they weren’t compatible once she got her own. 

Shane knows that it’s not the end of the world, to end up living a life without _the_ one. That’s just how life is.

Shane isn’t a believer in curses or any other definition of the term, but it does scare him, to know that he’s now bound to Ryan in a way so frighteningly intimate. 

Ryan’s been his best friend since he’s moved to LA and he’s become admittedly closer to him than his old buddies in Chicago. They’re partners in every sense of the word, but _still._

He knows he’ll have to be a responsible adult and tell him, it’s just a matter of figuring out when and how. He thinks about the night before, about how excited Ryan had been when Shane had told him about the mark. Ryan’s a romantic, Shane can tell. A believer.

And it sucks because Ryan’s only ever seen him as a good friend. He’s such a _bro_ , and although they’ve shared tender moments, Ryan’s always been careful not to cross a tacit line, like he’s afraid of what might await him on the other side. He’s always been cautious around Shane, although he tries his best not to make it obvious. Or maybe Shane's just overthinking

And it’s not like Shane hasn’t _tried._ He’s asked Ryan to the movies, or to dinner, but it had always been under the guise of work, and Shane is self-aware enough to know that he’s terrible at making the first move.

But Ryan is different in the sense that now he _wants_ to try. Like, really wants to. But the idea of Ryan packing up and leaving his life when he finds out about his mark is not something he’s ready to confront quite yet.

Shane has always been a meticulous planner. He’s lived most of his life assisted by pocket-sized daily calendars. At eighteen, he’d decided that he’d go to film school, move to LA, and hit it big.

He hadn’t planned on falling in love.

♙

“Hey, are you alright?” Ryan seemingly materializes at the edge of his desk one day. It’s been about a month since Colorado and Shane’s guilty of being more tight-lipped than usual.

Shane swivels. “Hm? Yeah, why?” 

“You’ve been weird.” His tone is confrontational, but only a little bit. 

“Uh, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but-” Shane gestures to, well, all of himself. “-I’m a weird guy.”

Ryan’s face scrunches. “Yeah, but you’re usually, like, charming weird,” he says. Shane’s not quite sure what _that_ means exactly. “Now you’re just-” Ryan shrugs, “-weird. Are we alright?”

“We?”

“Yeah, _we,_ ” Ryan says as if mocking him. “I’m not stupid. You haven’t texted me in like three days. I’ve been working on the script for the finale and you haven’t even _looked_ at the drafts."

Shane blinks. He hadn’t even realized. He’s been spending so much time thinking _about_ Ryan that he’s forgotten about talking _to_ Ryan.

“I’ve got some personal stuff going on,” Shane apologizes. He technically isn’t lying.

“Well,” Ryan says, “I hope everything’s alright. I just wanted to let you know that we’re going to go interview a soulmate expert-slash-psychic-slash-medium or something for the finale. I’m trying to set up an exact date with her, but I’m hoping we could do it this Friday if you’re free.” 

“Sounds good,” Shane responds a little too quickly. _Fuck,_ he doesn’t even know what he has going on on Friday. 

“Alright.” Ryan alternates his weight between his feet, and Shane just stares. “Uh, you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” He adds.

Shane manages a smile. “I know.”

♙

Friday rolls around in what feels like five seconds and Shane once again finds himself crammed in the passenger seat of Ryan’s shitty shitty Corolla as they drive down to West Hollywood.

Ryan’s trying to fill him in on the “soulmate expert” (a title that, Shane thinks, is as meritless as it is a sham) as Shane tries to connect to the ever undependable aux. 

“I know you don’t believe in this type of thing,” Ryan starts, and surprisingly adds, “Frankly, I don’t either.”

Shane’s eyebrows raise. “I thought this was your, you know, thing?”

“Yeah, sure it is,” Ryan shrugs. “But I’m not sure about someone being able to see your soulmate by looking into your- well, soul, or whatever. It’s a little far-fetched, even for me.”

They’ve gotten better at talking during the past few days, and Shane’s glad. It’s been easier. Shane’s decided that he’d treat Ryan as a friend because that’s what they are, and Ryan seems content now that he’s supposedly acting normal again.

  
The medium, when they meet her, introduces herself as Miss Monica, or M for short. She’s tiny, standing at the height Shane must’ve been when he was about twelve. Nevertheless, judging by the way she greets them, M is commandeering and self-assured. She leads them into her “practice” which is basically just a living room without any homey furniture. The walls are decorated with shelves containing all types of artsy knick-knacks and books that look like they’ve been collecting dust for years. In the middle of the room is a round table and three chairs equally set apart.

Ryan and Shane sit around, waiting for TJ and Mark and Devon to show up. They're running late, which isn't totally off-brand for them.

“So, I thought it would be fun if M could read our auras,” Ryan tells Shane. “If, um, that’s okay with you.”

“That’s no problem,” Shane assures him. _This is all bullshit anyway,_ he doesn’t say aloud. 

Ryan confirms with M that she’s willing to do so, because previously they’d only agreed on an interview. She gives him an enthusiastic yes.

“Of course,” she nods. “You two are very interesting. I can tell.”

Ryan gives Shane a _look_ and he pretends he doesn’t notice, instead pulling out his phone to check on TJ’s ETA.

When the rest of the crew finally arrives, they get mic’d and set up lights and cameras in what must be record time. 

“We have a special treat for you guys today,” Ryan says to the cameras once they start rolling.

“Always love a treat,” Shane adds.

“The big guy and I are going to get our auras read.”

“I’m ready for my soul to be _bared_ , baby.”

Ryan grins. “I’m not sure if I can say the same myself," he says, tone dark. "Lots of secrets hiding away in this ol' noggin.”

“You’re gonna be on the cover of TMZ after this airs,” Shane responds. “I can imagine the headline now- ROOKIE GHOST HUNTER REVEALS-”

“ _I’m_ barely a rookie,” Ryan interjects. “I have a fond respect for everything supernatural. You, on the other hand-”

“No need to respect something that isn’t real.”

M gives Shane a look.

They banter on a bit more until they mutually agree that they’ve probably got enough for an intro. Finally, as they start the next scene, M asks Ryan for his hands. Ryan complies and reaches out both hands to her, palms facing upwards.

She shadows her own hands over his, touching them barely. They both close their eyes. 

It’s quiet for what feels like a long time. 

“Hmm,” M ponders, and an unsettling smile appears on her face as she rolls over the image of Ryan’s soul in her mind's eye.

Shane just watches, careful to keep out of Ryan’s camera angle. 

“Somebody loves you,” she says matter of factly. The edge of Ryan’s mouth twitches. Shane’s heart just about stops in his chest.

Ryan’s eyes almost flutter open, but he squeezes them both shut. “I- I mean, of course, everyone has a family that loves them.”

“No, no,” she shushes him. “You do not understand me. Somebody _here_ loves you.”

An awkward silence. “You’re nice and all, but we just met,” Ryan quips.

“Hmm,” she muses. It's silent for another beat. “That is all I can say about you. We’re finished.” Without giving them time to cut or debrief, she turns to Shane. “Your turn.”

Shane holds his hands out cautiously. He can feel the heat of her hands resonating against his. He closes his eyes.

“You need to quiet your mind,” she says.

“Easier said than done,” Shane remarks.

“Quiet.”

He does as he’s told. 

He squeezes his eyes shut tighter and even though he doesn’t believe in this stuff, it feels _weird._ He knows he’s imagining it, but he can almost feel a slight tingle in his brain as the woman searches through his catalog of deep dark secrets, looks into his _soul_ , whatever the hell that is. 

“Hm,” she murmurs. “I see.”

 _Oh, fuck,_ Shane thinks as all the pieces click into place. Mediums aren’t real, but _fuck,_ if they are, Ryan’s gonna find about his mark _here,_ in this creepy lady’s living room of all places.

He is _not_ going to go down like this, Shane decides.

 _Please, please, please,_ he thinks, even though he knows she’s not a mind reader, just a medium, and a pretty sketchy one at that.

Still, he hangs on to the hope that she can at least sense his vibes.

“Alright,” she finally says after a moment of too-long silence.

Shane opens his eyes. His hands are shaking, and Ryan’s giving him a weird look. Shane isn’t easily flustered, but he sure as hell is now. 

“You are too apprehensive,” she tells him, then turns to Ryan and the crew and elaborates. “I could only see a little.”

“I’m not surprised,” Ryan jokes, nudging his leg. “This guy’s got some pretty impressive walls built up.”

There’s that glint in her eyes again. “Well, actually-” she starts.

Shane makes eye contact with her. _Please, don’t._

“I’d just say he’s not a believer,” she finally says. “The readings don’t go well if you don’t believe in them.”

The two of them nod. Ryan decides that’s a good place to cut, and then spends a few minutes running the interview agenda over with M before they start to roll again.

Later on, she gives Shane a wink as they’re leaving.

♙

Back at the office, Shane does his best to organize all of the work he still has to do before he leaves for home, but he’s still bothered about what happened earlier today. He’s never been a believer in these things, but somehow she _knew._

Perhaps it’s time to tell Ryan.

Although they’re literally sitting a desk apart, Shane shoots him a text.

_Let’s go out tonight._

Ryan glances at his phone once it vibrates, then turns to Shane. “That’s funny,” Ryan says. “Because I’ve been meaning to go get happy-hour sushi this week.”

Shane takes that as a yes. 

“You’re driving,” Ryan says.

Shane groans. As much as he hates sitting shotgun in Ryan’s car, it’s still better than driving his own.

He’ll tell Ryan about his soul mark tonight. He’s still not exactly sure _how_ , but it’s going to happen. He’ll wait for Ryan to get satiated on nigiri rolls or whatever, and then he’ll just do it.

Easier said than done.

“I’ll pick you up at eight,” Shane says.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally couldn't get this out of my head. That's why I'm updating two days in a row.
> 
> Friendly reminder that that soul-marks appear on your wrist once you fall in love with someone. The mark is the first thing that they say to you when you fall in love with them.

Later on, after Shane gets home and takes a shower and gives his face a quick shave, he calls Scott for some brotherly reassurance an hour before he’s set to pick Ryan up.

He explains his dilemma, although to call it a bit of a dilemma is an understatement.

Tonight will just determine his relationship with Ryan for the rest of their lives, that’s all.

Or maybe he’s just being dramatic.

“You should do it,” Scott tells him as Shane weighs the pros and cons aloud.

“I- yeah, but-”

“Mom has forced me to watch your videos more times than I'd care to admit. Have you _seen_ the way he looks at you?”

For a second, Shane is dumbfounded.

He adds, “Look, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you two, but Ryan seemed to really like you at that Christmas party you brought me to last year.”

The Christmas party had been _a lot_ of fun.

As much as he despises the company’s policies, Buzzfeed sure as hell knows how to host a party.

Shane had brought his brother, Ryan had brought one of his roommates. For the first time in several years, Shane drank like he was in college again and most likely did some stupid things that Ryan and his coworkers are not willing to indulge him on to this day.

“We were… probably drunk,” Shane murmurs. “Probably” being the operative word. “But the curse-” God, he can’t believe he’s admitted in believing it out loud.

He gets cut off by Scott _laughing at him_.

“So what? Curses aren’t real. Isn’t that your whole brand?”

It’s a humbling moment when Shane suddenly realizes that Scott might be even more of a skeptic than he is.

He continues, “ _I’m_ fine. You’ll be fine. Having a soulmate doesn’t make or break anything. It’s just a mark.”

“Just a mark, huh.” Sitting on his couch, Shane stares at himself in the reflection of his blank TV. He takes in the fact that Scott, who ended up being incompatible, is no longer bothered by it at all.

“And,” Scott adds with an air of confidence, “If I honestly had to bet my life on it, I’d say he likes you back anyway.”

Shane’s TV reflection looks at him blankly.

“You tolerate me too much, man,” Shane sighs. With the way Scott minimizes his problems, it’s not hard to make him feel like a naive little brother again.

Shane runs a hand through his freshly-washed hair. “I asked him out to dinner tonight,” he says as if it’s a deep dark secret.

“Let me know how it goes!” Scott proclaims in lieu of goodbye and then hangs up on Shane before he can protest.

♙

It happens at work, of all places, during the end of a postmortem, of all things, when Shane presses play on his little musical number and basks in his masterpiece.

“You’re- insane,” Ryan stares at him after and then breaks out into a fit of laughter. “Oh my God, I’ve never heard your singing voice before- why is it good?” He makes a face like he’s having a crisis. “Oh my God, why is it good-”

Shane smiles, because he had, after all, done it for Ryan. It’s irrational, he knows, to spend the time he doesn’t have writing a script and songs for something so insignificant, but these things never feel like a hassle for him.

It’s a foolish, irresponsible thing to dedicate time to, but Shane enjoys the payoff, even when it becomes a habit to roll into work with four hours of sleep and a shirt accidentally put on backward.

And besides, he’s always liked making Ryan laugh.

TJ yells cut and Ryan slaps a hand on his shoulder and looks Shane in the eye as if leveling with him.

“You’re an idiot,” Ryan tells him with wide, almost fearful eyes, but he’s smiling large, and Shane’s always loved how the joy and amusement and mild horror reveal themselves in his features.

And that is the moment when, unwillingly, unknowingly, a piece of Ryan lodges itself into Shane’s heart and makes it home.

(The next morning, when he wakes up to the words _you’re an idiot_ scrawled on the inside of his wrist, the irony is not at all lost on him).

♙

His mark calls him an idiot, and Shane sure as hell feels like one as he drives up to Ryan’s apartment complex and texts him _am here, come outside._

A minute later, Ryan opens his front door, waves at him before retreating back inside to put on some shoes. Shane fiddles with his aux (which works, unlike Ryan’s,) and puts on one of his indie rock bands that Ryan hates the _least._

Ryan gets into his car and he smells _good_ , a little bit like citrus, a little bit like mint.

“I’m starving,” he says in place of a greeting, and Shane agrees.

He drives them to a restaurant that’s barely a restaurant, a tiny little Japanese joint with two tables that Ryan’s dragged him to about half a dozen times. It’s a hole-in-the-wall type of place, but the food is consistently good.

It’s only a ten-minute drive, and Shane almost forgets to talk until Ryan asks if they should keep or cut the M soul-reading bit in the finale.

“Of course we should,” Shane says.

“Yeah, but she didn’t really tell us _anything._ You were too apprehensive, or whatever, and I think I came off as kind of rude.” Ryan worries his lip.

“I think it should be fine…” Shane says absentmindedly.

“And, when she said ‘someone here loves you,’ I... think people might assume that-”

If Shane wasn’t driving, he would’ve frozen.

It’s nothing new, the idea that people always thought that he and Ryan were together, which wouldn’t have bothered Shane if they actually _were._ There was always speculation as to why they always seemed to be hanging out even when they weren’t working on _Unsolved_ or going out to eat when they hadn’t been shooting.

Did Ryan not like the theorizing? Did it make him uncomfortable? They’d never really discussed sexuality with each other, but Shane was vaguely aware of the fact that Ryan had a girlfriend in college but hasn’t dated since and…

“We should keep it in,” Shane says instead, with what might be a little too much conviction. “It was a good bit. M really put me in my place there." At that, Ryan smirks a bit. "More fun to watch than us being jackasses at the desk," Shane adds. 

Ryan nods. “Alright.” He looks out the window as they pull into the parking lot. “I just wanted to ask.”

They order their sushi takeout and Ryan suggests they go to one of those scenic views in the hills nearby (and since Shane’s driving, Ryan jokes the view will be that much nicer because the gas is free).

Shane agrees, driving on autopilot to one of the very first views he went to when he first moved to LA and still felt like a tourist.

Ryan eats as Shane drives and Shane does his best to cram rolls into his mouth whenever they’re fortunate enough to hit a red light.

His palms are sweaty and tense the whole time, and it’s not because the road is steep and winding.

Shane’s out of his element here, thinking of two conversations at once- the one he has with Ryan as he drives- the one he’ll have with Ryan in about twenty minutes.

He isn’t the type to get flustered. He usually leaves the flustering to the privacy of his own home, where he can deal with it by listening to sad folksy songs in his living room. (It only helps sometimes).

Shane isn’t the type to feel embarrassed either, not even when he has to [wear a cheerleader outfit](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwGCEQ-2P9Q) for a shoot, not when he starts bits that totally bomb (they cut those out, thankfully), not even when he [proclaims his love for Frasier Crane](https://twitter.com/i/status/1107353816507273216) to a bar that doesn’t get the reference.

He thinks it must be because he’s always been good at forcing self-consciousness to the back of his mind. (When you’re almost always the tallest guy in the room, the practice becomes second nature).

And yet, he’s uncharacteristically worried, stressed out as he drives, and his knuckles are white(er than usual) as Ezra Koenig in his speakers sings [_like I know I do..._](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbEWIiukWMM)

They’re finished with their sushi by the time they get to the top of the hill. It’s one of the best spots in the neighborhood, Shane thinks, secluded enough that tourists usually miss it, and it seems like they'll be alone in the lot tonight. 

For a brief moment, as Shane rolls into a spot and cuts the engine, he vaguely considers it [a beautiful place to get his heart broken.](https://www.thetourexpert.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/Mulholland-Drive.jpg)

They get out of the car and throw away their trash. Wordlessly, the two of them wander over as close to the ledge as they can, right up to the boundary of the safety barrier. At this high up, it’s windy as hell and probably freezing, but Shane feels like he’s standing on the sun.

They stand there for a silent moment, wind whipping at their hair, their jackets. He knows it's cheesy to think, but for a second it feels like the world is just _them_.

Shane’s got his hands in his pockets and watches as Ryan pulls out his phone to take a panoramic.

Ryan steps a bit closer to him and Shane subconsciously does the same until they’re standing shoulder to shoulder just looking out at the nighttime skyline of the city that they love to hate.

“Ryan, I want to show you something,” Shane says all of a sudden. The words are out of his mouth before he even thinks them up, and there’s no turning back now.

Ryan looks at him. His hair is all over the place, his lips are a little chapped.

“Yeah?”

Shane has an uneasy feeling in his stomach as he remembers that his relationship with Ryan has never _been_ like _that_ and he’s well aware that to show his mark is to say I Love You without really saying it.

Oh well.

As he takes off his watch in what feels like slow motion Shane thinks again and again and again that he’s making a very, very stupid decision.

The watch is off, and he extends his wrist to Ryan, feels like his arm must be moving on its own accord.

Shane can’t help but think of the cat he had as a kid, who would happily bare its stomach to him in a show of trust.

He doesn’t even realize he’s holding his breath until Ryan _touches_ it, grazes guitar calloused fingertips over the width of Shane’s wrist, over the words that have always felt more like a curse than a blessing.

It feels like a jolt goes through him, and if he were a cartoon Shane probably would’ve lept five feet off the ground.

“Dude-,” Ryan starts. Although he literally writes scripts for a living, he still isn’t the most eloquent with words.

Ryan’s tone is so excruciatingly _neutral,_ and Shane wants nothing more than to go back in time, to twenty seconds ago, or to yank his wrist away and point out TJ and Mark and a camera hiding behind a bush and say “Just kidding! I got you!”

But he can’t, and he doesn’t.

Ryan breaks out into a huge grin, looks at the mark, looks at Shane. It almost feels like a slap in the face.

Ryan says softly, “I think I have something to show you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D


End file.
